Musings for Autumn

Leaves are changing from green to vibrant shades of red and gold. They unhinge themselves from the stem they've grown from all through the hot summer, their source of nourishment, to free fall to the ground. The wind may carry them far from the familiar, or they may fall to decay at the foot of the tree that they once adorned for what was such a short season. Either way, the end result for these leaves is that they will soon be no more. Yet, in the death and decay, and the brisk air and increasing darkness that autumn brings to the landscape around us, this could be marked as the start of a new life to come. For, the leaf goes into the ground to become fertilizer for the continued health of trees and plants. It becomes a covering for the new seedlings that have also fallen from the safety of their trees, encouraging growth within to make way for the sprouts of spring. The absence of leaves on their branches creating room for the abundance of the next season to come.

I love autumn. I love the crisp evening air that makes you grab a sweater if you are headed out the door. The desire to get cozy with a blanket on your lap, a book with pages ready to be read, and a steamy cup of tea warming the hands that clasp it as if it were enveloped in a hug. For me, the hobbies of summer's lazy days sitting on a blanket in the breezy sunshine or strolling with my babies on a warm afternoon get set aside for abandoned knitting needles ready to start clicking and a basket brimming with borrowed stories and fairy-tales waiting to be told to eager young ears, so mindful of silly voices and inflections and animated faces that make the words jump to life.

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A friend recently told me that she read at our local wildlife refuge that you can hear the most songbirds in autumn. When their homes are falling apart and the trees that provided shelter are becoming barren branches and they are on the move to a southern home, they are singing. Why are they singing? Changes all around them requiring great change of them, and yet they are singing their song.

I don't do change well. Or, if I'm really being honest, I don't do not getting to decide the changes that befall me well. I've spent the last five months growing increasingly uncomfortable with the change I've been forced to endure. This fall was supposed to bring a new life to our family. Instead, many days, I am seeing only the barrenness of what should have been. Where early on I could still see the hope of spring on the other side of the shadow of fall...it seems almost too hard to grasp now - elusive. And I am frantically trying to grasp it seems, to find something I can decide. Something I can change. I can decide. And it comes down to who is in control. I most certainly am not - at least not of what I want to be in control of.

So these birds that sing their song? I know I have a song. I've been trying to find it. I've been looking for it. But the song that comes out of my heart right now doesn't reflect the song I want to hear. It reflects the angst, weariness, loneliness and sorrow of my journey. Where is the song that speaks hope to my heart? Where is the song that lifts my head and tells me to look past the season? All I know is the recognition of where I am.

Song has always been a way God reaches my heart. Last week, I was taking advantage of a beautiful autumn afternoon to go on a run. As I went to start the playlist that has been the soundtrack of my life the last few months, I found it had vanished. After a frustrating attempt to restore it to no avail I was forced to listen to older selections. Worn selections. Hardly selections to get the rhythm of my feet going and keep my feet light. I sighed, hit shuffle and off I went.


I was met by the song Reason to Sing  by All Sons & Daughters. Instantly the tears began to fall as the song my heart felt was heard by my ears.

When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor...
When I'm overcome by fear and I hate everything I know
When the waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go...

I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands...

If there be a victory, would you sing it over me now?
Your peace is the melody, would you sing it over me now?

I need a reason to sing...

I couldn't find my reason to sing. I couldn't find a song to sing. I wept as I cried out to God while my feet beat the pavement and my lungs wanted to burst for breath. I need a reason! In all of this change, in all of this uncertainty, when all I feel is fear and out of control and so torn from the battles that have been raging in my head and my heart...where do I find my song? My reason?

I was reminded that David's psalms were not all victorious melodies but many were songs of deep yearning, lamenting and sorrowful cries to God. This man after God's own heart, speaking the rawness of his heart to the One who knew his heart better than himself.

I hit shuffle again. The reason. Or rather, the will to sing when the reason is hard to grasp.

I will sing sing sing to my God my King for all else fades away
I will love love love with this heart You've made, for You've been good always

And like that, the reminder, that through it all, He is my reason. My reason despite the circumstances that are making my voice seem like a whisper and my song seem more like a moan then a melody, And like David in the midst of lamenting and deep sorrow - "You are Good! Your love endures forever!"

I can decide. I can control my song. I can make Him my song. And oh, when He is my song! When He is my song my soul finds the rest it has been craving. I'll not have gained control of my circumstances - I never will, but rest comes when I decide to sing to the one who is in control, Like the songbird, I am choosing to make my voice heard the most when it seems unwarranted for there to be a reason to sing.

Perfect submission, all is at rest

This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long!