You Are My Sunshine

I have left this blog abandoned for far too long. It has not been for lack of goings-on or thoughts swirling in my head. It has more been for a lack of intentional focus to get these thoughts on a screen. I've been slowly working on this post, going through many emotional processes, for the last 4 weeks. Finally, here we are.

Many of you who follow in the social media world know we've been preparing for our family to grow. Right before the New Year, Nathan and I found out we were expecting again and in April we learned we would be gaining our fourth baby boy! We are all very excited for this addition and with this little boy's arrival expected any day now, I am increasingly eager to meet the little wonder who has been dancing in my belly for so long.

I read somewhere recently about losing the innocence of pregnancy. That blissful, all is right with the world, nothing will really go wrong, record every moment in detail kind of thing. I was privileged to have that innocence through three pregnancies. For three pregnancies I faithfully took "belly" pictures of my growing abdomen, reported every craving, every aversion, and with Bradley & William bemoaned all the trials of pregnancy with gestational diabetes, and at length shared my heart throughout.

When I discovered I was pregnant this time, I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I began to scheme how I would tell Nathan. The day I found out happened to be the 11th anniversary of our engagement - the perfects excuse for a gift. I wrapped the positive pregnancy test up in a jewelry box left over from the holidays and after the kids were in bed I presented it to him. He could not believe what he was holding. After all, we hadn't even really started trying to get pregnant again since our loss. That night we both went to bed with fresh hope and new dreams for the future and the New Year to come. Such a gift after the long hard months we had endured.

The proof...

...all wrapped up with a bow

The next day I met a friend for a coffee date and even though we were going to keep this news to ourselves for some time still I knew I as going to tell her. It was such a special time of her encouraging me and even speaking words of life in prayer over this precious baby. I'd need to cling to those words of promise later on. Those first few weeks were all eager excitement and happiness. Steven and I flew to Kansas for a little birthday vacation and aside from my mom and couple close friends, no one knew our secret yet.

When I returned from that trip, the fresh excitement I had began to wain and turn to a feeling of impending dread, or that it was too good to be true. With each week I began to reflect on where I was compared to my pregnancy with Shiloh. At 6.5 weeks we'd had our first scare with Shiloh. I felt like I was in a constant state of holding my breath. Each midwife appointment was a mix of hope that all was normal and a feeling that none of it would last. To help calm my nerves, my midwife scheduled an ultrasound appointment for me at 10 weeks. That would put me past the point where Shiloh left us without my knowing and something about making it past that hurdle seemed like it would calm all my anxiety.

On February 7th, at just short of 10 weeks, I began to bleed heavily in the middle of church. I stayed calm but was scared out of my mind. I knew there was no point in going to the hospital - and that was the last place I felt safe anyway. So we called my parents to come and meet us at home (they both knew at this point) and stay with us for the day to give me some time to rest and be a welcome distraction.

Two days later I had my ultrasound. The couple of days leading up to it I had a lot of peace. I was in the mind frame of "God got me through this once before and He'll get me through it again." There was sincere peace. But my heart betrayed me in the middle of the night the morning of the ultrasound. I woke myself up crying in prayer saying, "Please let my baby live! I trust You, but let my baby live!" During my quiet time later that morning I was reading in Psalm 24 when I had to pause at a verse -
You have given him his heart's desire and have not withheld the request of his lips...He asked life of you; you gave it to him, length of days forever more. Psalm 24:2,4
I tucked the verse in my heart but it seemed too good to be true. i spent the rest of the morning with a sense of dread, expecting the worst. As soon as I saw that baby's heartbeat, our "little Sunshine", I was so relieved. It was on the drive home that I cried as I realized God had been answering my midnight prayer word for word and given me something to cling to. He is so good.

Sweet baby at 10 weeks with a strong heart beat of 164 bpm

I would continue to have moments of intense fear throughout my 1st trimester and until I could feel baby's movements to know a heart was beating still. It has still always bothered me that I had no way of knowing with Shiloh that anything was wrong. When I would feel that fear or was anxious about an appointment, I asked friends who knew about the pregnancy to pray for me. So often God would answer with a verse or lyrics to a song to remind me of His promise - "length of days forevermore". I also have such a great midwife practice. There was one afternoon around 14 weeks where I could not shake the fear and wasn't due for another appointment for two weeks. I drove late in the afternoon, with all three boys in tow, to try and get to them before they closed for the day and even though neither of my regular midwives were in, the one who was quickly responded to my shy but panicked request to hear my baby's heartbeat. That sound was music to my ears. She reminded me to never hesitate if I needed reassurance - that's what they were there for. I love my midwives.

In April we had a big gender reveal party with our family to find out if baby Sunshine was a girl or a boy. Even with the odds of having another boy, the votes were still pretty much 50/50. We had a party store fill a big black balloon with the appropriate color confetti (I didn't know, no one did before hand) and bought a bunch of balloons in a rainbow of colors for this, our rainbow baby. It was such a fun afternoon of celebrating and for the first time I felt I could celebrate loudly this new life that was growing instead of being shy with hopeful anticipation. I expected a boy and that was what we got! What I didn't expect was Nathan, without warning, using a big knife in front of my face to pop the balloon! Scared me half to death!

Our rainbow of balloons and amazing cakes made by my mom

The tally for boy vs. girl

Getting ready to pop the balloon!

Scared out of my mind from that knife Nathan is welding

It's a boy! 

Our little Sunshine is a boy! 

Even after our big announcement it felt strange to start posting pictures of my belly and pregnancy updates. But I was met by many mommas who have walked a similar road who understood my mixed emotions.

23 weeks - first belly bump picture I posted

30 weeks

31 weeks

33 weeks

35 weeks, 1 day

36 weeks

37 weeks

The nickname "Baby Sunshine", is one Bradley came up with. I have had nicknames for all my babies while I was pregnant - Sweet Pea, Beanlet, Sugar Plum & Pumpkin - but it was ahard for me to put any thought on it this time. As soon as he said it, it stuck, and I think it is the most fitting nickname. This little boy is certainly a beloved "Rainbow baby" (a baby who comes after child or pregnancy loss) but in order to make a rainbow you need sunshine & water. This baby is the sunshine spreading light through the remnants of my tears. I still have many moments of desperately wishing Shiloh was with us. I will always long for our baby gone too soon. But I feel like this little boy is the joy after the storm, the balm for my hurting heart, and the reminder that I can hold the essence of a rainbow - bright sun and raindrops from a storm - in my hands at the same time, and that it is okay, and that it makes for something so beautiful.

As I've written this, I've wiped tears from my cheeks for my sweet Shiloh, but I smile at the thought of this little ball of Sunshine soon to brighten our days from here on out. Hopefully, he won't keep us waiting for too much longer and I'll be able to share his little light with all of you!