Remembering...

One year ago today I woke up with the thought, "You won't hear your baby's heartbeat today." Four hours later in my prenatal appointment there was an empty hum of nothing over the doppler. That evening after a mostly wordless and awkward ultrasound, it was confirmed. Baby was gone. That was just the beginning of a long couple of days as I allowed the truth of my loss to sink in and then the reality of it came to fruition as I held my baby two mornings later on April 10th. There was a lot beside the loss that went wrong in those two days. There were many complications and seemingly endless mishandling of my care and the beginning of a long and painful physical recovery that made most of last year seem like a bad dream. 

It has been hard this week to avoid the flashbacks of all the bad that happened. It makes me feel sick all over again. And none of it can be undone. My baby is still gone, that bad stuff still happened to me in the hospital, and the long recovery still stole precious time from my days. If that's what I focus on I will be overwhelmed. So instead I am trying my hardest to remember the mere fact that I was remembered. I was never alone. I had friends and family near, offering support, sweet tokens and tears, and a God who was speaking life and hope to me through all of it. When I focus on what was gained in that hard time instead of just what was lost and stolen, it makes remembering the life I carried for just a short time not so bitter in remembering, but much sweeter. 

I will always wonder who Shiloh would've been if life hadn't been cut short. Shiloh's big brothers often ask me if Shiloh was a boy or a girl, if when they get to heaven Shiloh will be big or little or if Shiloh will look like Bradley and William with blonde hair and blue eyes or Steven with dark hair & brown eyes. I of course know none of the answers to their questions. Their questions help to remind me of that sweet existence and that Shiloh's life, however short, is worth the remembering, worth the tears of sadness, and worth the joyful hope I have of seeing my child again some day. 

I don't know what emotions this weekend will bring. Today, I don't feel much, it is more a focused mental remembrance. Yesterday I was tears upon waking. However this remembrance works itself out this weekend I am going to lean into it, feel what must be felt and give honor to the little life I carried. My sweet Shiloh.