When darkness shadows the day...
Before I go into the hard of this post, I want to recap on the glorious weekend I had with my family. It was better than I could have hoped and more than I could have wished for. Time spent in the tulip fields, eating humongous ice cream cones, exploring woods, drinking artisan coffee, and walking the beach - all with all my boys. My heart was so happy it was difficult to feel sad at all. There were still moments of silent internal pause for me though, and I still has my quiet moment where we laid our Shiloh to rest.
The weekend was wonderful. Just wonderful.
We returned home Sunday evening and I collected Saturday's mail. In it was news I had been waiting for. I should have received it in March, but instead I found myself reading it on the one year anniversary of some of the scariest and hardest stuff of my life. It was the results from the medical board with the state regarding the complaint I had filed against the doctor I saw the day of the complications after delivering Shiloh. I firmly believe the timing of it was no accident - the enemy's attempt to undo all the good of the weekend in one lousy blow. But even in that timing I can be thankful that at least I am done waiting.
Basically, the board could find no "legal" reason to peruse any action against the Dr's license. They have dismissed the case. Because of the legitimacy of the things I experienced, and the apologies and fault the director of the ER had already admitted, saying that so much of what I experienced was uncalled for, it felt like a punch to the gut. This doctor who robbed so much of my life that day and the next two months because of needless mistake after needless mistake and so many other issues, I felt, had just gotten away scotch free. I still don't feel comfortable going into all of the details of that awful day - I'm afraid what too much reflection will stir up.
While this news was not the result that was hoped for, it was what was expected, at least by Nathan. And even though it was somewhat expected, it didn't make it hurt any less. I felt betrayed by the system. That which was there to protect patients from careless doctors (which this doctor, in my situation, on that particular day was more than careless - one might even say reckless), ended up protecting its own instead of the patient. By dismissing the case it felt like they were dismissing all the wrong that had been done to me and saying it wasn't a big deal. Invalidating the hurt and pain I had experienced at the hands of this doctor.
The news shocked me. And I guess that is what I wasn't expecting - how upset it would make me. But for the reasons I stated above, it began to darken a cloud over the wonderful weekend, and I think if I had let it, make all the good fade away from my memory leaving only this yuck. I felt deflated, physically weak and cried for a good long while. What I had hoped would be a relaxing and fun evening just became surviving until bedtime. I couldn't even make a happy distraction work out. I crawled into bed exhausted and wounded.
I reached out to the friend who has counseled me over the last many months and told her how I felt like the lie this doctor had spewed about me - that nothing was really wrong with me at all that day - was winning. She reminded me Who holds all truth. She helped me see I needed to remind myself that the One who knows all and sees all knows the truth of my hurt and pain from that day and the full truth of why it all happened - not just the parts I know or understand - and that He can be trusted to carry that truth for me. Where I wanted so much to have vindication and justice, and felt like it had been lost, He is Justice and He will right those wrongs I experienced - even if for now I see it only in my heart. I can bring the hurt and the pain and the tears to Him in safety.
There are more answers I could pursue if I wanted, more I could dig into. I could even begin the long road of a malpractice suit if I wanted. But all of that would be an uphill battle and would possibly - perhaps likely - end in the same result - disappointment. I don't want to spend any more on this mess - even though I desire so badly the answers and the vindication more digging could possibly bring - I don't want to go through more reliving of that day or more disappointment when it doesn't go my way.
Instead I am trying my hardest to put my hurt, my pain and the truth of it all in the safest most trustworthy hands I know - those of my Abba. In His hands He makes beauty from ashes and gladness from mourning. He can be trusted to continue the healing work He began in me and I can trust Him to carry the truth of all the wrong I experienced and make it right someday.
The weekend was wonderful. Just wonderful.
We returned home Sunday evening and I collected Saturday's mail. In it was news I had been waiting for. I should have received it in March, but instead I found myself reading it on the one year anniversary of some of the scariest and hardest stuff of my life. It was the results from the medical board with the state regarding the complaint I had filed against the doctor I saw the day of the complications after delivering Shiloh. I firmly believe the timing of it was no accident - the enemy's attempt to undo all the good of the weekend in one lousy blow. But even in that timing I can be thankful that at least I am done waiting.
Basically, the board could find no "legal" reason to peruse any action against the Dr's license. They have dismissed the case. Because of the legitimacy of the things I experienced, and the apologies and fault the director of the ER had already admitted, saying that so much of what I experienced was uncalled for, it felt like a punch to the gut. This doctor who robbed so much of my life that day and the next two months because of needless mistake after needless mistake and so many other issues, I felt, had just gotten away scotch free. I still don't feel comfortable going into all of the details of that awful day - I'm afraid what too much reflection will stir up.
While this news was not the result that was hoped for, it was what was expected, at least by Nathan. And even though it was somewhat expected, it didn't make it hurt any less. I felt betrayed by the system. That which was there to protect patients from careless doctors (which this doctor, in my situation, on that particular day was more than careless - one might even say reckless), ended up protecting its own instead of the patient. By dismissing the case it felt like they were dismissing all the wrong that had been done to me and saying it wasn't a big deal. Invalidating the hurt and pain I had experienced at the hands of this doctor.
The news shocked me. And I guess that is what I wasn't expecting - how upset it would make me. But for the reasons I stated above, it began to darken a cloud over the wonderful weekend, and I think if I had let it, make all the good fade away from my memory leaving only this yuck. I felt deflated, physically weak and cried for a good long while. What I had hoped would be a relaxing and fun evening just became surviving until bedtime. I couldn't even make a happy distraction work out. I crawled into bed exhausted and wounded.
I reached out to the friend who has counseled me over the last many months and told her how I felt like the lie this doctor had spewed about me - that nothing was really wrong with me at all that day - was winning. She reminded me Who holds all truth. She helped me see I needed to remind myself that the One who knows all and sees all knows the truth of my hurt and pain from that day and the full truth of why it all happened - not just the parts I know or understand - and that He can be trusted to carry that truth for me. Where I wanted so much to have vindication and justice, and felt like it had been lost, He is Justice and He will right those wrongs I experienced - even if for now I see it only in my heart. I can bring the hurt and the pain and the tears to Him in safety.
There are more answers I could pursue if I wanted, more I could dig into. I could even begin the long road of a malpractice suit if I wanted. But all of that would be an uphill battle and would possibly - perhaps likely - end in the same result - disappointment. I don't want to spend any more on this mess - even though I desire so badly the answers and the vindication more digging could possibly bring - I don't want to go through more reliving of that day or more disappointment when it doesn't go my way.
Instead I am trying my hardest to put my hurt, my pain and the truth of it all in the safest most trustworthy hands I know - those of my Abba. In His hands He makes beauty from ashes and gladness from mourning. He can be trusted to continue the healing work He began in me and I can trust Him to carry the truth of all the wrong I experienced and make it right someday.
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