30 Days of Thankfulness ~ E is for Elizabeth
Where to begin? Years ago, I dreamed of someday having a daughter. A daughter I always thought would stay in my dreams since our family is largely dominated by boys. Seven sons from a family of three brothers starts to convince you of that. Five years ago, I had a literal dream of a daughter - a toddler with curly hair and Nathan and I with joyful, tear-filled eyes, and a name that meant "promise". I wrote these dreams, and the other little God moments and prayers about a future daughter in my journal - and the verse about Mary treasuring up those things in her heart was ever on my mind. Only a select few people ever heard me voice these dreams. And I often refused to let them leave dreamland to ever consider them becoming reality because then I knew for certain my hopes would be dashed.
Last year when we moved I felt that our family was complete - at least biologically. I had four amazing sons and was in over my head with a renovation and homeschooling and life. Battling postpartum depression for the last 4 of my pregnancies to some degree and feeling like I'd finally gotten my body and emotions under control had me longing for the freedom to just be mom to growing children - not continue growing them inside of me. I had a feeling God wasn't done growing our family but I desired he grow it in other ways - through fostering or adoption down the road. Besides, pregnancy was just too hard for me anymore.
To begin my emancipation I weaned Wesley and headed on a girl's weekend trip to visit my dear friend Sarah in Portland last October. We ate amazing food, drank amazing wine, talked our hearts full and shopped until my wallet was probably emptier than Nathan hoped it would be when I got home. During the course of one of our outings on that trip, Sarah and I were talking about my family. I expressed that while I didn't want to limit God in saying our family was complete - I felt that it was complete out of me. She shared with me that she had had dreams of a number of families - all with four sons - getting daughters they had hoped for or didn't even know they needed. Of the families that she had dreamed about, all of them had indeed received their daughters (even one who had the option to have more children closed permanently) - except ours. I got excited thinking that God would give me my daughter someday. That she wouldn't just stay in my dreams or be a "what if". Still, I didn't feel ready for another baby and besides, we didn't make girls in our family so I figured no matter how many more children I carried I would be the mom of all boys (which I was always just fine with). But here my friend, who had already spoken about both William and Wesley before they were born, was speaking aloud this dream of mine to have a daughter and that it would indeed be a reality.
I did exactly what I had always done and I stored this new information up in my heart, wrote it in my journal and prayed sheepish "if it is your will, God" prayers. At the same time I also made my conditions known that I was not interested in having a baby anytime soon and if He could please wait at least 4 years until I was out of the baby stage that would be just great.
Fast forward to December 30th. I knew something was off. I decided to take a test on a whim telling myself it was just crazy hormones from things not being regular yet. The whole house was still asleep (except mom...right?). It seemed like instantly those two pink lines appeared and I quietly walked back into the playroom where my husband was sleeping in our temporary lodgings while our master was being renovated. I believe my exact words as I awoke him from what was probably a deep sleep with a test flying at his head were, "Shit. Happy New Year." He just laughed out loud - happy jerk.
I had so many plans for 2018. I was going to be in Portland in the spring with half a dozen of my favorite girlfriends and eat all the things (low blood sugar crashes - nope). I was going to take a trip to Sedona with one of my childhood friends and we were going to lounge by a pool (I only fry when I am pregnant for some reason) and go wine tasting (nope) and hike along the Grand Canyon (for sure, no). I was going to feel good in swimsuit and maybe get to go to some movies without falling asleep (attempted - nope).
Thus began the longest first trimester of any of my pregnancies ever. I spent the majority of it in a constant state of fatigue - painful fatigue that makes it impossible to feel human and do even the bare minimum. There were so many days where Steven at a brand new 8 years old did more parenting than I did as I "supervised" from my bed. "Mom, I fed us lunch." "Mom, I turned a show on for William so Wesley won't wake up." "Mom, I folded clothes for you." Really, I have the biggest blessing in that oldest child of mine and probably returned so many of those kind deeds with impatience and lackluster appreciation.
As we crept yet again past the mark of when I had lost my pregnancy with Shiloh, I began to wonder who this little person was, and began compiling a list of possible boy names. Our girl name had never changed since we were pregnant with Steven and I figured it would remain on that shelf of names never used forever. Nathan was convinced we were having a girl since I was so sick. I told him constantly not to get his hopes up and that I was likely sick because my diabetes came back early and I was just that much further into my 30's with this pregnancy. The honest truth was that I didn't have the energy to hope for a girl, and I was even afraid that I would fail as a mom of a girl - crazy I'm sure. I was probably battling a new form of depression that I hadn't experienced before.
Nathan's insistence that I was carrying our daughter stayed persistent and he never faltered in that belief, readily telling everyone who asked that we were having a girl and were just waiting on the ultrasound to confirm it. When that day finally came I went with held breath. I didn't want him to be disappointed when they told us it was a boy. It did not take long for them to locate the information we needed. I knew what I was looking at before Nathan did and I couldn't believe it. When the technician confirmed what I already knew - the look on both of our faces was shock and amazement. We were getting our girl!
It took a few weeks for it to set in. I of course was thrilled and the grandmas and aunties couldn't contain themselves from getting in on the girly frills from the start - even my brother handpicked an outfit for his new niece. I think it was sometime in May, right around Mother's day, when the realization finally hit me. I should have known all along. This was the girl Sarah told me about in October. This was the daughter that I was afraid I would never have. Now she was coming and I still couldn't believe it. Just like that the last part of my first dream about a daughter flooded back to me.
"What does her name mean?" "Her name means, 'Promise.'"
Promise - Elizabeth. The name we had had picked out since before Steven was born. Elizabeth - God is my vow, God is satisfaction, promise of God. Here. Now. The promise coming true.
Elizabeth is just over two months old now. She has been the greatest joy, the greatest blessing, the greatest reminder of God's faithfulness to me and His promise to never forget me, and to be my satisfaction. To know I have a daughter who just by her name will forever point me to her Heavenly Father is such a gift to be thankful for. Now that she is here I am in a constant state of peace. Life is chaotic, and crazy, but my heart is calm. And I have so much more to treasure up inside than before.
Last year when we moved I felt that our family was complete - at least biologically. I had four amazing sons and was in over my head with a renovation and homeschooling and life. Battling postpartum depression for the last 4 of my pregnancies to some degree and feeling like I'd finally gotten my body and emotions under control had me longing for the freedom to just be mom to growing children - not continue growing them inside of me. I had a feeling God wasn't done growing our family but I desired he grow it in other ways - through fostering or adoption down the road. Besides, pregnancy was just too hard for me anymore.
To begin my emancipation I weaned Wesley and headed on a girl's weekend trip to visit my dear friend Sarah in Portland last October. We ate amazing food, drank amazing wine, talked our hearts full and shopped until my wallet was probably emptier than Nathan hoped it would be when I got home. During the course of one of our outings on that trip, Sarah and I were talking about my family. I expressed that while I didn't want to limit God in saying our family was complete - I felt that it was complete out of me. She shared with me that she had had dreams of a number of families - all with four sons - getting daughters they had hoped for or didn't even know they needed. Of the families that she had dreamed about, all of them had indeed received their daughters (even one who had the option to have more children closed permanently) - except ours. I got excited thinking that God would give me my daughter someday. That she wouldn't just stay in my dreams or be a "what if". Still, I didn't feel ready for another baby and besides, we didn't make girls in our family so I figured no matter how many more children I carried I would be the mom of all boys (which I was always just fine with). But here my friend, who had already spoken about both William and Wesley before they were born, was speaking aloud this dream of mine to have a daughter and that it would indeed be a reality.
I did exactly what I had always done and I stored this new information up in my heart, wrote it in my journal and prayed sheepish "if it is your will, God" prayers. At the same time I also made my conditions known that I was not interested in having a baby anytime soon and if He could please wait at least 4 years until I was out of the baby stage that would be just great.
Fast forward to December 30th. I knew something was off. I decided to take a test on a whim telling myself it was just crazy hormones from things not being regular yet. The whole house was still asleep (except mom...right?). It seemed like instantly those two pink lines appeared and I quietly walked back into the playroom where my husband was sleeping in our temporary lodgings while our master was being renovated. I believe my exact words as I awoke him from what was probably a deep sleep with a test flying at his head were, "Shit. Happy New Year." He just laughed out loud - happy jerk.
I had so many plans for 2018. I was going to be in Portland in the spring with half a dozen of my favorite girlfriends and eat all the things (low blood sugar crashes - nope). I was going to take a trip to Sedona with one of my childhood friends and we were going to lounge by a pool (I only fry when I am pregnant for some reason) and go wine tasting (nope) and hike along the Grand Canyon (for sure, no). I was going to feel good in swimsuit and maybe get to go to some movies without falling asleep (attempted - nope).
Thus began the longest first trimester of any of my pregnancies ever. I spent the majority of it in a constant state of fatigue - painful fatigue that makes it impossible to feel human and do even the bare minimum. There were so many days where Steven at a brand new 8 years old did more parenting than I did as I "supervised" from my bed. "Mom, I fed us lunch." "Mom, I turned a show on for William so Wesley won't wake up." "Mom, I folded clothes for you." Really, I have the biggest blessing in that oldest child of mine and probably returned so many of those kind deeds with impatience and lackluster appreciation.
As we crept yet again past the mark of when I had lost my pregnancy with Shiloh, I began to wonder who this little person was, and began compiling a list of possible boy names. Our girl name had never changed since we were pregnant with Steven and I figured it would remain on that shelf of names never used forever. Nathan was convinced we were having a girl since I was so sick. I told him constantly not to get his hopes up and that I was likely sick because my diabetes came back early and I was just that much further into my 30's with this pregnancy. The honest truth was that I didn't have the energy to hope for a girl, and I was even afraid that I would fail as a mom of a girl - crazy I'm sure. I was probably battling a new form of depression that I hadn't experienced before.
Nathan's insistence that I was carrying our daughter stayed persistent and he never faltered in that belief, readily telling everyone who asked that we were having a girl and were just waiting on the ultrasound to confirm it. When that day finally came I went with held breath. I didn't want him to be disappointed when they told us it was a boy. It did not take long for them to locate the information we needed. I knew what I was looking at before Nathan did and I couldn't believe it. When the technician confirmed what I already knew - the look on both of our faces was shock and amazement. We were getting our girl!
It took a few weeks for it to set in. I of course was thrilled and the grandmas and aunties couldn't contain themselves from getting in on the girly frills from the start - even my brother handpicked an outfit for his new niece. I think it was sometime in May, right around Mother's day, when the realization finally hit me. I should have known all along. This was the girl Sarah told me about in October. This was the daughter that I was afraid I would never have. Now she was coming and I still couldn't believe it. Just like that the last part of my first dream about a daughter flooded back to me.
"What does her name mean?" "Her name means, 'Promise.'"
Promise - Elizabeth. The name we had had picked out since before Steven was born. Elizabeth - God is my vow, God is satisfaction, promise of God. Here. Now. The promise coming true.
Elizabeth is just over two months old now. She has been the greatest joy, the greatest blessing, the greatest reminder of God's faithfulness to me and His promise to never forget me, and to be my satisfaction. To know I have a daughter who just by her name will forever point me to her Heavenly Father is such a gift to be thankful for. Now that she is here I am in a constant state of peace. Life is chaotic, and crazy, but my heart is calm. And I have so much more to treasure up inside than before.
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